Packing

“He heard the last shriek of the perishing souls –
'See! See! o’er the topmast the mad water rolls!'
Right glad was the Raven, and off he went fleet,
And Death riding home on a cloud he did meet"
-Coleridge, The Raven

Packed all my bags today. Didn't realize it was possible to fit that much crap in that little space. I pride myself on being good at packing, but I amazed even myself this morning. I have a lot of stuff shipping over in my tuff box, obviously--my XBOX and a RISK boardgame, most importantly--but I realized last week that I neglected to pack any books.

So I went through my bookcases and found a few to take with me.

The Once and Future King. Kind of preachy and proto-hippie, and therefore annoying, but still a very good story, especially Book I. Plus I love all things Arthurian (due in no small part to my fanatical devotion to the works of Tim Powers) and I also love that Disney movie, The Sword in the Stone, which is based on Book I.

The Brothers Karamazov. I started this about three times in college but never got around to finishing it. Hopefully I will this time.

Guardians of Empire. A pretty good military history book written by the man I self-flatteringly call my mentor, Dr. Brian Linn. This book, too, I've read most of but never finished.

I thought about taking some of my Tim Powers stuff, but the ones I really want to read again are far too valuable to take. My copies of Stress of Her Regard and Dinner at Devian'ts Palace are both autographed by Power; and I can't find Anubis Gates anywhere. Oh yes, and my Dad borrowed Declare. He said he's sending it back to Jen. I think I'll have her mail it to me when she gets it.

I put together my new flak jacket today, too, which was difficult for me for some reason. I can't seem to find my other velcro rank, but I figured it won't matter much since I'm getting promoted in a couple weeks anyway.

If you asked me my mindset right now, I think the most accurate word would be "ready." I'm sure there are more eloquent or symbolic words, but dammit, I'm just ready. I want to get on the plane. I want to get there. I want to get this underway. The preparations for this thing have just dragged on and on, and I am ready for it to start.

There exists within me a peculiar dichotomy that I've noticed always precedes a move to a new post or school. I miss my wife, already, so much that I want to die. At the same time, I am extremely anxious to just get on the road, so the wait will be over.

More tomorrow, and even I am wondering what I will vomit out on the keyboard then: my last twenty-four hours in The World. How will I feel?

I also wonder, and worry, not just for myself but for my wife and family...is this the last time I will be Me? Is this the last day I'll be the son my mother raised, or the husband my wife married? Is this the last day I'll be the dude my puppy loves to play with?

I don't care what the media says. This is a (to quote from Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey) "fully, full-on" war. Will it change me? Will the myself of right now recognize the myself of a year from now?

Turn the record over to find out.